Watch This one After You’ve Done Your Christmas Shopping (P2 + Jubelale)

The movie we’re discussing today ranges into the realm of “assholes”, which I mostly reserve for people who attack and torture other people for no good reason. We’re not talking so much the Freddys, Michaels, and Jasons, but the un-special punks who decide to target and torture and have a fairly high idea of themselves while doing so.

THE BEER: Deschutes Jubelale

6.7% ABV

Jubelale 2014
Aside from being from Deschutes, and hence being a fabulous beer, each new iteration of Jubelale has more fun artwork on its label. The color on this one ranges from a chestnut-roasting-on-an-open-fire brown to a little bit of Santa Suit red. Don’t let the color fool you though. The flavor doesn’t quite have the roasty malt profile of a stout or porter, but rather is more on the Belgian spice side. Incidentally, despite being mild in the hop-department this one goes really well in the Hoppy Pomander recipe with dark rum substituting for rye whiskey.

THE MOVIE: P2 ; 2007

Directed by: Franck Khalfoun

There IS more than one Christmas horror film not featuring Killer Santas!

Franck Khalfoun, Alexandre Aja, and Gregory Levasseur teamed up to write and produce this wintery thriller, and filled it with the grime, gore, and adrenaline that they’re known for. P2 centers on Angela (played by Rachel Nichols), who is late for Christmas Eve dinner with her family because she’s stayed late at her Manhattan law office again. When she finally heads to the parking lot (level P2…get it?) to leave for the evening, her’s is the only car there. And it won’t start.

A somewhat young and handsome parking lot attendant / security guard named Thomas (played by Wes Bentley) comes out to “help” her. And by help, I mean knock her out with ether, dress her in an evening gown, and handcuff her to a table in his office next to the only dog whose demise I’ve celebrated.

For all of Angela’s Scrooginess proven by her working through the office Christmas party, she is a classic “nice girl”. When she finds herself trapped by Thomas, she begins by trying to reason with him instead of waiting for the first opportunity to kill him (of which, admittedly, there are not many).

But can you really blame her for that? She doesn’t know she’s in a horror movie. She hasn’t seen what Franck Khalfoun does to women in his films.

She is also punished for being a “nice girl” in the first place until as an audience member I felt bad for ever thinking she was too nice.

Angela has been sexually harassed by a guy from her office, named Jim, who came in and apologized to her at the beginning of the film. We know that Angela has half-heartedly accepted his apology because she is…again…a nice girl. Like a cat putting a half maimed mouse in her slipper, Thomas traps Jim and ties him up to a rolling chair at the bottom of the parking garage as an offering to her. Thomas berates her for not wanting to kill him herself, and ends up forcing her to watch his vicarious revenge on Jim.

Ultimately, Thomas isn’t able to hold up the pretense of just “doing it for her”, though. His relentless physical and psychological torture involves trapping her in an elevator and filling it with water, and sicking his Rotweiller on her.

Apparently he doesn’t see the irony in torturing a woman while simultaneously chastising her for not standing up for herself. Because ultimately, when she finally does stand up for herself, it’s going to be pretty ugly. And it’s probably going to involve fire. Especially if he calls her the “c” word while in a compromised position.

All the nice girls in the audience will be salivating for his blood by that point.